Mourning, Three Ways

We are just over halfway through the year, and there have been a stupid number of giant wrenches thrown into my life. And as I was crying this morning, I started thinking about how it all hurts, but somehow I feel completely different forms of grief for each of them.

FIRST:

In March, my dad died. He was 80, and not in good health (like most 80-year-olds), so I'd been trying to prepare myself for years. Each hospitalization, I found that I was bracing for the worst. But when he went to the hospital for the last time, a few days before he died, somehow I knew. I told a friend, "I don't think he'll be coming home." Unfortunately, I was right.

I took two days off work. Then it was the weekend, and I went back on Monday. A lot of people seemed surprised. For me, though, the question was: What's the alternative? Stay home and cry? And get further behind on the school play that we were rehearsing? I was calling my mom every day, and my brother was taking care of all the paperwork and legal stuff and the body donation, so for a bit, I felt my only real choice was to do something creative.

For me, rehearsal is something of a haven. I have a short period of time to get a certain amount of focused work done. There isn't time to think about much else that's outside of the space. For a couple of hours, I can maybe not cry. I can be productive. Creation can be deeply therapeutic.

Dad was here. Now he's not. That's a concrete thing that just IS. It sucks very, very much. It doesn't take a degree in rocket surgery to figure out why it's upsetting.

Hmm... This is harder than it looked...

Everyone who knew him is now experiencing the lack of him. Even those, who didn't know him, have had a loved one die. So lots of people understand.

Lots of things are working, but there's that one glaring missing piece,
and that takes all of my energy.

SECOND:

I have told very few people about this, because it is a deep and stabbing pain. My beloved school is having financial struggles, and as a result, they had to make the difficult decision to cut some positions completely. The theater teacher was one of those positions. That's me. I'm that position. Well, I was until mid-June.

I'm absolutely devastated.  I thought that would be the last job I ever had. 

I'm not seeking other teaching positions. I would be miserable anywhere else. So, I'm trying to figure out what my next phase is. 

My job is gone -- it's not like they really "fired" me and found someone else -- but the organization is still there. Maybe it's like a divorce? They told me, I'm keeping the kids, and you can visit if you want, but we are no longer together. You have to move out. 

Dad's death had nothing to do with me, personally. This does. For better or worse, I wrapped my job around me tightly and made it my identity. Now, I very suddenly don't have that identity anymore. I know it's for reasons that are not actually personal, but surely if I were a more popular teacher, or theater was as generally revered as art and music, that wouldn't have happened, right? If I had taken on more duties? Made more sacrifices? Been on more committees? Worked harder? Volunteered more? Surely, it's still my fault, even if it isn't. This is what my brain is yelling at me.

I am still going to be directing the school productions, so that's something. Something important. I am truly grateful for that. But I don't expect it to be emotionally easy.

It's not a clean break.

THIRD: 

This country, with this administration, is more blatantly "why the world hates Americans" than ever before. We are selfish, oafish, clumsy,  stupid, ignorant, a collective bully, and dangerous because not only do we think we have nothing to learn, we think that we can throw temper tantrums to get everyone else's lunch money, and they'll still bring presents to our birthday party. It's being run by people who clearly do not care about other people. We are Veruca Salt.

We the People want it NOW!

The well-being of every United States citizen is endangered. This administration has gutted every single thing that was evolving into the dream of "a more perfect union," an idea that we supposedly hold so dear. (I just now accidentally typed "hold so death," and considered not correcting it.)

I don't have enough time, or energy, to go into all the horrors of what living in the US has been turning into. It's easy to feel helpless and weak, but I know that only serves the oppressors. I've attended meetings and protests, I've called every politician I can, over and over, I try to be a safe person for the young people who need allies, I try to acknowledge my privilege and preconceived notions, I listen to people who experience the word differently than I, I try very hard to speak less than I listen, I try to see all sides of a story, I assume the best from others until proven otherwise, and I know that Occam and his razor are friends of mine. 

This means that when 100 women accuse one horrible man of doing horrible things,
the overwhelming odds are that not all of his 100 alibis are BS.

I truly despise two specific historical truths to compare anything else to: slavery and WWII Germany. Even though I was very unsettled with how the country was being shaped by the numbskull currently residing at the House of White, I resisted comparing him and his administration to Mr. H and the Not-Cs. I'm over that now. It's clear that what's going on now is the answer to decades of Americans asking, "Why didn't anyone stand up to him?" 

Look it up your damn self. It's Dicktatorship 101.

To recap these current stages of mourning:

1. My dad has died. He was here, then he was gone. Lots of people are sad, albeit on differing levels.

2. I lost my dream job, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control (who is currently a part of that community). Others are upset, but I'm kind of alone on this one.

3. The whole country/world is being all upheaved, and the majority of The People are angry, scared, and don't fully know what to do to even just keep our civil rights, as they're yanked away, one by one.

So, like a lot of people right now, I am treading water. I'm trying to mourn the past and live in the present and plan for the future, all at the same time. I don't have any brilliant solutions, or even insights, about how to get through it. The best I can do right now is speak firmly the truth of empathy; find small, simple packets of beauty, and make sure others notice too; dance in the aisles of the grocery store; sing loudly, and laugh louder than that; look people in the eye and tell them that I love them; and be okay with the tears that spontaneously jump out of my eyes. 

Even if that's all I can do, my dad would be proud.

I will finish this blog post.

I need you to know that I've been writing blog entries. I just haven't been finishing them. Because, as it turns out, there are only 24 hours in each day, and I have been diagnosed with ADHD, so I flit from beginning to beginning, rarely seeing a project though to the end, unless there's an actual deadline and/or people are depending on me. I am constantly surrounded by projects that are in various states of "done," but I can't seem to find the time/energy/inspiration to complete them.

No, don't look. It's terribly embarrassing.

I have a very understanding partner.

All of this has gotten so much worse since I had the hysterectomy, three years ago, which slammed me into menopause. Usually, it's a much more gradual transition. I guess, if it happened all at once, then maybe I wouldn't have finished that either. Ha. 

That's me, on the far right. (The only time you'll ever find me there.)

So my goal is to write this and post it. It may not be anything profound or insightful, but at this point, I just need to finish SOMETHING.

Life changes, and the universe continues. I find it comforting to remember that the universe doesn't care about my issues. The only meaning to anything is that which I attribute to it. That gives me a lot of leeway, because I can't fuck up the world too terribly much, given the grand scheme of the billions of years and infinite space that exist without me. 

Menopause isn't the only transition I'm dealing with, of course. I've been hit upside the head with a couple of really major life transitions in just the last three months. I won't go into them now. I just don't feel like it. I'm not ignoring them. I couldn't, even if I wanted to, and I don't want to. I'm accepting and trying to learn how to adapt and move on, holding on to what I've learned about myself, being open to learning more, and letting go of that which no longer serves me.

Growth can't happen if you become too comfortable. Growth has a way of ambushing you.

I have kept this quote in my back pocket for decades.
I just have to be reminded to look at it from time to time.

I do not like this phase of growth and change. It hurts. I want to retreat from everything. But goddamn it, I will learn to roll with these punches.